I Hate Your Stinkin’ Guts by Becca


“Just because you’re beautiful doesn’t mean you can treat people like they don’t matter.” and/or “You’re looking ten shades of crazy today.”

A paper shredder and/or a bottle of lube left on a night stand

Author Notes: This is the first Hanson fan fiction that I’ve written in months. I had an idea for the story almost immediately, but I struggled with how to start it for a weeks. Then one night I was talking to Brits about it and everything just sorta fell into place.


If looks could kill, Zac Hanson would be dead-very, very dead.

Snapping her head around, Darla Jankins fled the room and headed straight for the front door. She passed by Zac’s wife, Kate-who was struggling to her feet, and if she hadn’t been so focused on getting away from Zac, she would have stopped to help the nearly 9 months pregnant woman to her feet.

Darla could hear Kate asking Zac what was going on as she opened the front door then slammed it shut not waiting to hear his reply, because as far as she was concerned, Zac Hanson was dead to her.

She escaped to the comfort of her own apartment on the floor below Zac and Kate’s. It was ironic really. After all, he had told her she was living a life of sin, which would make her apartment hell and his apartment where he lived his angelic life was heaven.

Bull shit!

In the seventeen years Darla had known Zac, she had never been so mad at him. Sure he’d missed a couple birthdays, but he was a busy guy. She understood that. She knew that if she ever needed him, he’d be there for her. He was like a brother to her-always had been.

But now… now she just wanted to kill him. Murder him. Not that it would make a difference in her final destination; after all, he’d clearly told her that she was going to hell.

Being the good friend she was, she’d gone up to Zac and Kate’s apartment to help Zac clean up the place since Kate was on strict bed rest. They’d worked side by side and had no problems until they got into his and Kate’s bedroom and he opened his big mouth.

“What you’re doing is wrong,” he said.

“Zac, it doesn’t matter how the corners are -”

“I’m talking about you living with Johnny. It’s a sin, Darla.”

Darla just stared at him in shock-not sure how to reply to what he was saying.

“God says you aren’t supposed to live or sleep with your significant other until you’re married, Darla. I mean, how do you even know that you and Johnny will be together in six weeks? And what would happen then if you married somebody else -”

Darla was pissed as she realized what he was saying. “Who the hell do you think you are preaching at me like that?” She demanded. “You, who has so many un-Christian like stories that I know all about.”

“Hey, I’m not trying to offend you,” Zac said, defensively. “I’m just trying to -”

“Well news flash, you did offend me,” Darla snapped. “And where the hell do you get off telling me this stuff, look at your brothers.”

“What about my brothers?” Zac asked.

“Uh, hello! They both knocked up their wives before they got married!” Darla exclaimed. “And I know for a fact you never preached at them.”

“It was a different situation,” Zac stated.

“That’s bull shit, Zac, and you know it!” Darla exclaimed, grabbing the closest thing to her-a bottle of lube on the night stand-and chucked it at him, missing him by centimeters.

“What the hell!?” Zac exclaimed.

“You’re a fucking double-standard hypocrite!” Darla shouted.

Just thinking about the words that she and Zac exchanged made Darla even madder than she already was. He was supposed to be her best friend. He was supposed to support her every decision-unless of course it was going to hurt her or somebody else, and fucking her live-in boyfriend wasn’t doing anybody any harm.

Still seeing red, Darla grabbed a photo album from her shelf and started tearing out pictures of Zac. She ripped up the first few then went in search of a pair of scissors-only to come up empty handed. She sighed in defeat then smiled evilly when her eyes landed on the paper shredder her step-mom had given her for Christmas.

She carried the paper shredder out to the living room and plugged it into an outlet by the couch. Then set to work destroying the most recent pictures she had of Zac. There was something in watching a picture of his face being pulled through the shredder and shredded into tiny little pieces that made her feel a little better.

Deciding she needed music, Darla stood up and leafed through hers and Johnny’s combined CD collection until she found what she was looking for-Alanis Morissette’s album Jagged Little Pill. She put the CD on and went into the kitchen for a beer. When she came out of the kitchen the song “You Oughta Know” was on.

Darla moved around the room as the angst in Alanis’ voice filled that place in her heart and she found herself singing along as the song hit the chorus

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Hearing clapping, Darla turned and found her boyfriend of 9 months standing by the front door. She turned off the music, her cheeks red from embarrassment and looked at him.

“I didn’t hear you come in,” she said, simply.

“You’re looking ten shades of crazy today,” he grinned before giving her a kiss. His eyes surveyed the room and he grew concerned when he saw the photo album, various pictures scattered over the coffee table and the shredder. “What’s going on?”

“Zac is an asshole,” Darla stated, crossing her arms.

“What did he do, write you a note saying that he hates your stinking guts, that you make him vomit and that you’re scum between his toes?” Johnny grinned, quoting his favorite line from the Little Rascals movie, knowing how much Darla hated it.

“No, according to him, we’re going to hell,” Darla retorted, crossing her arms. “He preached at me and told me that because we live together and are having sex before we’re married that we’re living in sin.”

“Oh,” Johnny replied.

“Exactly,” Darla said. “That is why I’m destroying every picture I have of that jerk!”

“Maybe you should wait to do that until you aren’t mad,” Johnny suggested and gulped when Darla narrowed her eyes at him. “All I’m saying is that you and Zac have been best friends for a long time and I don’t want you to ruin pictures and regret it later.”

“I won’t regret any of this later,” Darla shook her head. “As far as I’m concerned my relationship with Zac Hanson is completely over.”

“Darla,” Johnny sighed. “I just want you to think about this.”

“I have thought about this,” Darla snapped. “And I can’t be friends with somebody who doesn’t support me. I love you and I know you love me, why can’t he be happy with that? I’m happy, you’re happy, so why the fuck can’t he be happy??”

“I don’t know, why don’t we go up there and ask him?” Johnny suggested.

“I don’t want to see him ever again,” Darla stated before she turned on her heel and fled to the bedroom she shared with Johnny. She slammed the door closed and locked it.

Knowing she had pictures in a box in her closet, she stood on her tip toes and pulled it down. Then she looked around the room for a pair of scissors, a razor or anything sharp that could destroy the pictures and found a box cutter.

She opened the box and pulled out a stack of pictures dating back to her early teens. She cut the first picture with ease, slicing Zac out of a picture of the two of them with his older brothers. She sliced through five or six pictures before she came across two pictures from her twelfth birthday party.

The guys had been on short break in Tulsa and their families had gone to a local restaurant for dinner and her mom or Mrs. Hanson must have snapped the candid shots of the guys.

The first picture had Zac stuffing his face, Isaac looking at the camera and Taylor looking off somewhere and the second had Zac and Taylor looking at the camera, appearing to be fighting over a bottle of ketchup.

She set the pictures aside and thumbed through a few more pictures before she came across a picture of her and the three guys from that same night. They all looked so young; she could hardly believe it had really been 10 years since that picture had been taken-it just didn’t seem possible.

Thumbing through the pictures, Darla got lost in the memories-trips to California to visit them while they recorded, candid shots at the tops of roller coasters, silly sour face shots-and didn’t realize that hours had ticked by until she heard Johnny knocking on the bedroom door.

“Darla, can I come in?” He called. “All I need is a pillow and -” He stopped when she opened the door with tear stains on her cheeks. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Darla nodded. “Sorry I snapped at you.”

“I forgive you,” Johnny smiled and gave her a kiss. “Does that mean I can sleep in here with you?”

“Yeah,” Darla nodded. “But I have to do something first.”

She left the bedroom without explaining where she was going and left the apartment. She climbed up the stairs to the third floor and knocked on Zac and Kate’s door.

“Darla,” Zac said, his voice full of emotion.

“Hi,” she replied. “Look, Zac, I came here -”

“I’m sorry, Darla,” Zac cut her off. “I was a jerk earlier.”

“Yeah you were,” Darla agreed.

“I wasn’t trying to offend you, I really wasn’t,” he insisted. “I just think you’re selling yourself short, I mean, you deserve the best and the best is marrying the one you love.”

“I love Johnny, Zac, and he loves me,” Darla stated. “We aren’t ready to get married and when we are we will.” She sighed. “I just wish you could see that he makes me as happy as Kate makes you.”

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt,” Zac told her.

“Getting hurt is a part of life, Zac,” Darla said. “And if, for some God forsaken reason, I do get hurt, I want to know that I have my best friend to turn to for help and comfort.”

“I’m always here,” he smiled before wrapping his arms around her in a hug. “Rain or shine.”

Darla smiled after she pulled away. “So now that we’re friends again, why the hell did you have lube in your bedroom?” She asked. Zac groaned. “My theory is that you shoved something up your ass and it annoyed you so much that you decided to be an ass-”

“Nothing went up anybody’s ass,” Zac cut her off. “It’s a two-in-one product, lube and massage oil. I found it on the floor this morning, but Kate and I haven’t used it since before we found out she was pregnant. Even then we-”

“Okay, that’s enough, I don’t need to hear anymore,” Darla shook her head. “I’m going to leave now.”

“Darla, wait,” Zac called as she headed for the stairs.


“Why aren’t you guys ready to get married?” He asked her.

“Johnny is only 19, Zac,” she stated. “I know you were ready to get married when you were 19, but I wasn’t even close. Hell, I’m 22 and the thought of getting married now still scares me.”

“Yeah, well, just so you know, I’m going to put a bug in Johnny’s ear,” Zac stated. “He doesn’t get to try before he buys without some sort of exchange-whether it’s his life or your hand in marriage is for him to decide.”

“Good night, Zac,” Darla rolled her eyes.

“Hey Darla,” he called again.

“What?” Darla asked, annoyed.

“Don’t hate my stinkin’ guts, okay?” He asked.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Darla smiled before she returned to her apartment.

“Everything okay?” Johnny asked as she climbed into bed next to him after changing into her pajamas.

“Mmm hmm,” Darla nodded. “Though he says you have to marry me eventually or he’ll kill you.”

Johnny slapped his forehand dramatically then shouted, “ZAC, I HATE YOUR STINKIN’ GUTS!”

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